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  • Rowan Van Lare

How to crush your Zoom crush!

Are you a Northeastern student who loves STEM but hates basic communication? Are you nonetheless looking for that special love connection? Don’t worry!

I’m here to help you find that someone who makes you say, regardless of gender, “baby, you’re my forever girl!”

You terrible little gnomes no longer are at a disadvantage. In the pandemic world, everyone is just as socially awkward as you lovely lads and lasses, and no one is putting in the effort you never bothered with in the first place! Our only social interaction is through small windows on a Zoom screen. Slap on that filter that covers the leftover Dorito dust on your face, and make those connections using these few subtle hints.


1. Message them (private or call them out in the public chat)!


My favorite is when someone sends me a soliloquy from Shakespeare, because why would you say those icky words of your own if you could use someone else’s? Try famous ones like Hamlet or Macbeth. If you’re really feeling creative, find and replace every time they mention murder with the word love.

Another good idea under this category is to wait just until they have to say something and then spam the public chat with every thought you’ve ever had. Public speaking is scary, especially over Zoom, and giving them something to distract them from getting their thoughts out properly will only serve to calm them. Also, it’ll distract from the points that they’re making - so if they mess up, it’s okay, because at that point you’ll have completely taken the attention away from them!


2. Eye contact is key!


Find where they are on your screen. Turn off your ears and any social senses you little bitches possess in your t-rex brains and just stare until your eyes bleed. If they don’t look back, they’re just playing hard to get. It’s not that they would have no way of knowing that you’re looking at them in particular, it’s that they’re being coy and you should double down.


3. Speak up in class to get their attention!


There are so many people in a crowd, and without the smell of Doritos on your breath, how will anyone notice you?

The answer is speaking up in class as often as you can. Every time the teacher asks “how was your weekend?” unmute and respond with either a “YES” at the top of your lungs or a long-winded, detailed explanation that makes your teacher uncomfortable and squanders any chance of anyone else speaking! That is sure to get their attention and keep them thinking about you long after you’ve muted and nested yourself back up in your little hobbit hole.


4. Change things up!


Don’t you hate it when you’ve got your crush pinned as the main video the whole time so you can be a little stinky creeper and watch them while they sit unawares but then your teacher shares their screen so you lose them forever and you know they can’t see you? Well, there’s a way to join The Elite who are the three to four people who remain on the side of the Zoom during a screen sharing. Simply turn your microphone on and off again and again, and you’re sure to get attention from your crush. Especially good if you do this while you’re going to the bathroom, or eating something really crunchy. It’s like strobe lights, but for the ears!


5. Keep ‘em guessin’!


Change your name every class! Dye your hair a different color so they never know what to expect from you. Unpredictability is hot because it makes you feel unsafe and uncomfortable. It’ll make you seem mysterious and unwelcoming, two traits you would then share with the Bad Boys from terrible teen romance movies, and everyone - of any and all genders - loves a Bad Boy.


With these simple, little tricks, you’ll stand out in any Zoom call with your soon-to-be lover, and they’ll become so obsessed with you that they’ll make little dolls out of your hair.

So happy creeping, and stay terrible!


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