MANHATTAN - After witnessing a steady decline in sales over the last five quarters, Brandy Melville announces a startling pivot into the men's fashion world. Now styling itself as Randy Melville, the company will begin selling its striped blue and white shirts to men starting next Tuesday. Earlier this morning, employees at the merchant's 95 stores worldwide could be seen removing the first letter of its storefront signs. Other branded items will be edited with white-out, Sharpies, and/or scissors, sources familiar with the company report.
Brandy Melville has faced repeated public criticism for its "one-size-fits-most" policy which was seen to promote unrealistic beauty standards for women. Fashion marketing expert Laura Evers believes that this policy has been a large factor in Brandy Melville's declining sales. "Most women don't fit in their jeans. How are you gonna sell jeans that nobody fits in?" Evers stated. "Besides," she added, "why is everything striped blue and white? Not a single orange shirt in the whole place. Orange brings out my eyes."
Now, Randy Melville hopes to re-write this narrative with its new "two-sizes-fit-most" policy. One size (coded Size Alpha) will target "skinny, vegan, beanpole-looking motherfuckers like that Timothy Challymay kid" and the other (Size Omega) will be tailored to fit "400-plus pound dudes named Randy," according to the press release. The new sizing range, shareholders hope, will appease and/or body shame a whole new class of customers.
The color palette will remain the same.